Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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