Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
