Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
