God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
