I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize