We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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