I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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