I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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