i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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