Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
