Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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