I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
