I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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