can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
