i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
