Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
