where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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