seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
