I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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