If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
