dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize