my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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