I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
This toilet bowl is my home.
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