If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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