Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
