Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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