So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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