I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
