I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
PANTIES FOUND
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
