It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
