ADVERTISEMENT

• (434): View more from Virginia

  He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text

  Fav 7 965 1384

  share tweet
  

• (619): View more from California

  Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.

  (1-619): View more from California

  i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!

  Fav 9 1982 846

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (281): View more from Texas

  I think about you every night.

  (1-281): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry.

  Fav 14 1028 2514

  share tweet
  

• (410): View more from Maryland

  I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.

  Fav 14 2356 819

  share tweet
  

• (252): View more from North Carolina

  is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?

  (513): View more from Ohio

  um, yeah. i think it is.

  Fav 12 2810 1063

  share tweet
  

• (970): View more from Colorado

  What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk

  (1-970): View more from Colorado

  That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!

  Fav 80 1328 4120

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (516): View more from New York

  you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish

  Fav 17 834 4382

  share tweet
  

• (989): View more from Michigan

  I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?

  Fav 10 1370 4109

  share tweet
  

• (904): View more from Florida

  This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?

  Fav 13 743 1650

  share tweet
  

• (919): View more from North Carolina

  When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.

  Fav 6 1916 914

  share tweet
  

• (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."

  Fav 5 1510 542

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (586): View more from Michigan

  Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?

  Fav 0 750 418

  share tweet
  

• (612): View more from Minnesota

  dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant

  Fav 1 472 173

  share tweet
  

• (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU

  Fav 1 180 95

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (360): View more from Washington

  I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back

  Fav 3 190 96

  share tweet
  

Randomize