Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
