CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize