I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
