I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
