I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
