I wanna bring you to show and tell
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
