I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
