You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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