yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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