I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
