I'm so fucking centered right now
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
