he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
