thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Randomize
