i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
