why didn't you poke me back
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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