Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Randomize
