Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Someone shattered a urinal.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize