Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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