You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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