Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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