I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
