I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
