I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
