She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize