If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
