every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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