I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
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