Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
