Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
