I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
