So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
home. puking in laundry basket.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
