I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
