A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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