Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
