Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
